While the Christmas holidays are indeed a time to rejoice, switch-off and pig-out, they’re also a time of endless obligations. So if you find yourself having to muck-in when you’d rather chill-out, be nice to not very nice people or “make good use of your downtime and do some useful chores”, here are seven easy ways to be more assertive.
- Don’t say ‘yes’ immediately
As soon as someone asks you to do something, give them a reason for not being able to say ‘yes’ right away. My list includes “let me check with hubby”, “I think I’m busy then” and “I need to get my rubber gloves”. (Note: “my” rubber gloves. This is important if you want to avoid being handed someone else’s.) Then use that time to come up with a reason – not an excuse – for not doing what’s being asked of you.
- Don’t make excuses
Pretending you have an allergy to pets, children, washing up liquid or shopping, only drags out what could be a simple process. Truly manipulative people (such as small children and mothers-in-law) have a solution and/or alternative to every excuse. They’ll beat you down in the end. If you really don’t want to go to your great aunt’s soiree, say something like “Thank you for the invite but I won’t be joining you. Work’s been manic lately so I’m going to chill-out at home.”
- Say “won’t” not “can’t”
Like excuses, the word “can’t” gives people the opportunity to grind you down. Unless you truly can’t walk or wash up because you lack the necessary number of functioning limbs, stick to saying “won’t”. No one can argue with it. “I won’t peel the potatoes but I will take the rubbish out.” Or “I won’t peel the potatoes today. I’ll do them tomorrow.” Or “I won’t peel the potatoes. I’ll buy the ready-peeled ones from M&S”. This usually evokes the response “I’m not having you waste money on ready-peeled potatoes” which removes any guilt residues you might still be suffering from. If, however, the response is “good idea”, make sure you have a healthy current account.
- Negotiate an alternative
As shown above, just saying “won’t do it” will make you sound negative, arrogant or like a four year-old. Possibly all three. When using the “I won’t” technique, you need to follow it with something you will do. Options include “I will do it later” (state exactly when or you’ll be bugged until you do it), “I will do it differently” (again, say what you’ll do) or “I will ask so-and-so to do it”. You then need to do a bit of negotiating with so-and-so. But there’s usually something someone else doesn’t like doing that you don’t mind. And vice versa.
- Remove all passive expressions from your language
As soon as you utter the words “I hope you don’t mind”, “if that’s okay with you” or “I’m sorry, but”, you’re a dead man – in assertiveness terms, that is. These expressions don’t make you sound polite; they make you sound weak. Being assertive is about stating your feelings openly and honestly. If your 14 year-old nephew dives in and grabs all the Tiger prawns in coconut batter before anyone else has a chance to even get to the buffet table, you are perfectly within your rights to say “Thomas, there will be enough prawns for everyone if we all take two each to begin with.”
- Don’t be a selfish git
Being assertive is not the same as being aggressive. Aggressive people get what they want at the expense of others. Passive people let other people get what they want at their own expense. Assertive people treat everyone – including themselves – with respect and fairness. So if you find yourself watching Home Alone (for the zillionth time) with your cousins, enjoy their happiness at least. (And use it to negotiate something you want to watch later.)
- Respond don’t react
Finally, being assertive is about staying level-headed. When the pressure is on, it’s easy to react to a situation emotionally. But while punching your drunken, sexist flatmate’s boyfriend in the face would give you great momentary satisfaction, the aftermath will be a nightmare. Try to look at difficult situations rationally and consider the long-term consequences. Use your head to sort out problems. (Unless you’re Glaswegian, of course.) And remember: as emotions rise, intelligence falls.
Happy Christmas everyone!
Photo by Sweta Meininger on Unsplash
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